Mama only stayed for 45 minutes when she dropped Maeve off at daycare Tuesday and Thursday. Maeve cried quite a bit at first and needed her soother to calm herself. She refused to let any of the caregivers console her. Pat and I suspect she doesn't want to let someone replace us as parental-figures. After all, she's had people she thought of as her parents replaced by strangers once before ...
We've had well-meaning friends assure us a baby Maeve's age cannot possibly remember anything about the loss of her foster parents. We presume---and pray---that she can't recall that terrible sadness, not in any direct way. Nevertheless, we're sure her fear of abandonment is deep and at times all-consuming. When we've had to leave her before, the expression on her little face when we return seems so lost and rejected that we suspect she experiences a feeling something very very bad is happening---perhaps even a subconscious worry that we may not be coming back for her.
Maeve probably can't conceive of that in concrete terms ... Yet the pain and fear are absolutely real for her, clearly readable in her expressions. Maeve can look as though she's wholly crumpled in on herself, as though she's given up all hope---that's just how she appears and acts on awful days like these.
On Tuesday, we could see her on the webcam walking back and forth through the room, avoiding every other child and adult, going back to the rear window to look out, then up to the front door, then back again, and again---and again, every time we checked. Over and over for hours she made that horrible hoping-for-us-to-reappear circuit, clutching her blanket and a little Elmo doll to her as if they were the last lifelines she had in the world. She was surely searching for us, wondering where we'd gone and especially why.
We were told she did manage to play with a few toys during the day, but apparently she cried continuously even as she played. At lunch, during the ensuing nap time and then at the 3 pm snack time she was okay. The caregivers were amazed that she ate so well. I don't know where she puts it all because she's still so petite, hasn't gained an ounce in months ... After snack time, she had a relapse and cried continuously until we arrived.
We've witnessed numerous instances of Maeve's remarkable memory in the past; and the previous time we arrived at the Daycare to pick her up during the snack time. Maybe she remembered that, and was scared when snack time ended and we still hadn't appeared.
Once we arrived, she cried in Baba's arms for a little while but settled down by the time we got her to the car. Mama, on the other hand, was a mess ... Seeing how lost and afraid she'd been (not evident on the webcam, which doesn't show us her expressions) I became so upset that Maeve noticed me crying, and got upset again herself!
We decided to take her out for a dinner of chicken, veggies and potato at Swiss Chalet, followed by a visit to her aunt Colette, uncle William and cousins Sarah and Mike. Seeing them seemed to sooth her emotionally. She actually cried out in delight when she saw Sarah, who has babysat her before (and later in the week Maeve cried aloud again when she saw Auntie Sheila, cousins Miller and Bram---seeing extended family has, this week at least, proven extremely reassuring to her).
During Thursday's stay at daycare, Maeve cried for a while again, but did play a little with the toys and participated in some activities like art and story time. Still, she wouldn't take consoling from the caregivers and needed her soother and blanket. As on Tuesday, she was fine during lunch, naptime and snack. This time she did not cry after snack. Instead, she saved it up until we came to get her at 4---when she saw us, her look of assessing calm instantly melted down into a jittery wail of relief. She'd been keeping her fear pent up, hoping for the best ... By the time we got her out to the car, she seemed much better, back to her usual contented self.
Which was a great relief to us. And as Thursday was a beautiful sunny day, we took her directly to the park after daycare, where she fed leaves and grass to the goats. Maeve loves doing that!
All the stress is affecting her sleep. She seems to wake up with night terrors 2 or 3 times a night. She's also a bit more clingy and asks for her soother and blanket more than she used to. But all in all, she seems to be adjusting--as do I, slowly... In a couple more weeks, she'll be going full time.
We pray this early easing-into-daycare will help Maeve to feel confident that we will always come back to get her at the end of each day.
And we're still making the most of our days together. Today was a grand day out. We started our Mandarin Nursery Rhyme class and went to the local Medieval Faire in the park. Now she's sleeping like a baby!
Maeve gets ready for her first day at daycare.
Feeding the goats after a tough day at daycare.
I want you... to check out my new strawberry hat.
Queen Maeve is agast at the Royal Medieval Faire
Don't worry Baba. I'll get you out of that jail.
5 comments:
Again, my heart goes out to you and Maeve. It's hard when those well-meaning friends speak up about a situation that is very different from the experience of children they've known or raised. Who knows what remains in our girls' hearts, souls and minds of their beginnings? I too believe that they remember their losses in some deep, albeit likely subconscious way.
All I can say is trust your instincts and continue to nurture Maeve in whatever way she needs to get her (and you!) through this transition. In the meantime, know that we're sending you lots of hugs and kisses!
My heart is aching for all of you. I know other people mean well when they offer their advice but none of us can possibly know what our girls are feeling and thinking. I truly believe even at this young age they have some sort of memory of their past, even if it is buried deep in their subconscious.
As Monica said, we need to trust our instincts and do what we feel is right for our girls.
Hugs to all, we wish we could be more help as you're going through this!
Once again, thanks for sharing. I think each child is different and you just need to follow your heart for what to do. The reality is that it has to happen so eventually she will build the trust that you'll always be back. Sounds like you're doing all the right things to reassure her. The friend of mine that was also having issues says hers is now an expert, although she loves nothing better than coming home still. If you want to read I don't think she'll mind. Her blogspot is chinaduet. Her name is Karla. It might help to read about others with the same issues. Email me if you can't find it and I'll just send you the link.
Thinking of you.
Ohhhhh...I'm dying for you guys. I have a huge lump in my throat after reading your post. I, too, am sensitive to the fact that she's been taken once from the family she knew and loved and I never want her to think that we won't come back for her. But you can't explain it to them, and that's the hardest part. It must be heart-wrenching for both of you. We will say extra prayers that Maeve will get through this adjustment (and you guys too). Big hugs to you all.
P.S. LOVE the strawberry hat!!! Too cute!
I can't imagine how hard it must be to see Maeve's reactions in person. I believe our girls do have memories of their losses, and have greater fear when we leave them for a short time. Caia still has episodes a few times a week where I'll walk from one room to the next and she'll have a total meltdown. Sobbing, with a frantic look on her face. You have to see that look to believe it. I remind myself that she's still been with me less time than she spent with her foster family. So we're still building trust and understanding.
I hope this week is easier for all of you.
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